Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Five Children We Didn't Take Home

It occurred to me that maybe I should explain the subtitle of this blog, “Inspired by the process, the children and the lessons learned.”  I think it’s mostly self-explanatory, but I wanted to share with you why I used "children" as a plural form, and not just "child", beings we only have one child.  If you read my post about our first adoption that failed, then you might think it’s just referring to these two special children.  But there are more children that have been a part of this process, and that I often think about and wonder how they are doing.

 If you haven’t been through the adoption process (and especially through social services) you may think that the process goes something like this:  You finish your application and then one day, you get a call telling you to come get your baby.  You go get your baby and go home to your new life.  I’m sure that does happen with some adoptions, but through social services, it can be quite different.  You might be surprised to know that we actually turned down five different children before we accepted D.  Often, I think people assume that we are so desperate for a child, that when the call comes in, we jump.  And maybe losing our little Isaac affected that spontaneity a little bit, as he was the first placement call we ever had, and we did jump at the chance to take him home.  But after being burned, the next calls that came in required a lot more thought and reasoning as to what would be right for us.  It is hard to jump in when you know the reality is that you might not get to keep this child.  But to keep a long story a little shorter, I want to tell you about the five sweet children that came before D.  (I have left out their names here for privacy—you never know who might know them!).

 1. Almost a year to the day of losing little Isaac, we got a call about a baby boy who had been removed from his home and was being put into a concurrent planning adoption.  I wanted him so much.  I had really wanted a baby boy to fill the void of losing Isaac.  But, something the social worker said scared us.  His mother had almost lost his older sister to adoption because of her drug use and her unwillingness to comply with what the county was requiring.  And then, at the last possible time, she pulled it together and got her girl back.  And even though that girl was no longer in her mother’s care (her grandmother had guardianship) the county judged each case individually, and she would have the same opportunity with this little boy.  Our social worker said something like “I just want to warn you that we think this adoption will go through, but this mother might be slow out of the gate and then pull it together at the last minute.”  “Slow out of the gate.”  That has stuck with me to this day.  There wasn’t even a question.  John and I said no, knowing we could just not handle another rollercoaster ride like we had before.

 2.  Just a couple of weeks later, we got a call about an 18 month old little girl.  It was the morning of Christmas Eve 2008 when we went in for the telling (the telling is where you meet with the social workers and they tell you everything they know about the child, and then you decide if you want to move forward).  On paper, this looked like a perfect match, and I still can’t tell you why we didn’t take her.  The parents’ rights had been terminated.  It was zero risk.  But, it didn’t feel right.  John and I looked at each other and just both knew it wasn’t the child for us.  It was a shock for me, as I had so desperately wanted a child, and had hoped one would have already come in the year after we lost Isaac.  But, she wasn’t ours.  We knew she belonged in to someone else.

 3.  In March, I was in L.A. working on a project, when right in the middle of it, with the worst timing possible, came the call for a safe surrender baby girl.  She had been dropped off at the hospital and we could pick her up the next day from the hospital.  I wanted her so badly!  I called John and we had several conversations over the course of the next few hours.  We had to make a decision fast, as she was an emergency placement.  Ann gave us until the next morning.  I tried my hardest to talk John into it, but he wouldn’t have it.  In hindsight, I can understand and sympathize, but I was so upset at the time.  And I was a few hours away, so we couldn’t discuss it face to face (which might have been a blessing!).  He just felt it was too risky.  In California, safe surrender moms get a bracelet with their baby’s information on it, and they have a window of time to come back and change their minds.  And even if the paperwork gets filed to terminate the rights, I’ve been told that until it’s all final, that they have a good chance of being able to get that baby back.  And with an unknown father, who might become aware of his baby being born in the near future, there were just too many risks for John.  I made him call Ann and tell her we weren’t taking her.  I was too heartbroken to make the call.  We worked through it, but it was one of the bigger arguments we’d had in a while.

 4. & 5.  The last two kids were a sibling group we were offered the same month D was born, unbeknownst to us.  It was May, and we got the call about a 1 ½ year old little girl and her 2 ½ year old brother.  I was really excited at the opportunity for two!  I mean, let’s just get on with building our family already!  Oddly enough, even with the risks, John and I were both immediately on board and excited.  They had been in the system for a year after being removed from their home because of domestic issues, and their accessibility to drugs.  The father was in prison, and I don’t remember what was going on with the mother.  We did the telling and saw their sweet little pictures.  We were given the weekend to decide, and one of the things you are required to do before deciding to move forward is talk to the child’s (or childrens’) foster mom so you are fully aware of their current state and any difficulties they may be having.  Well, to condense the story, the foster mom told us she didn’t think the children’s grandparents were aware they would be going up for adoption and that there might be a problem there.  So, we addressed this issue with the social worker, who in turn did some research and found out that there was some planning in place by family members to place these kids with a friend, should they ever be placed for adoption.  It was a big mess, so we pulled out until it was all sorted out.  They told us that if they came back up for adoption after everything was sorted out, that we would be the first couple they called, but for now, we were back on the list again.  We were pretty sad about it.  I was really excited to welcome two kids home, even though I knew it would be a challenge, to say the least.  But it wasn’t meant to be.

About six weeks later, at the beginning of July, we got THE call—the one that would ultimately give us our sweet little boy.  Seven children later (including our little Isaac) we finally got to keep one—the one meant for us.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though we didn’t take these five kids, I know even having the chance to think about them and their circumstances blessed our lives in some way.  I still think about all six of those sweet, innocent children, all caught in some kind of craziness that never was their fault.  I wonder what their lives are like today, and wish the best for them.  I hope we don’t have to wait through six more children before we get the next one, but if we do, I know we’ll learn great lessons from them, too.

****ADDENDUM***  This addition to this post was inspired by Kristina's comment below.  One of the things that comes with being open about adopting is the regular "offers" to take a baby.  Sometimes it's a birthmother's well-meaning friend or family member, or someone that just hears about a situation, but I'm not sure I can even remember how many times someone contacted us about taking a baby and it fell through every time.  I know it's a difficult decision for birthmothers, but it is also difficult being on the other end thinking you are going to get a baby, and then suddenly the rug is ripped out from under you at the last minute.  I learned quickly to be cautiously optimistic.  I always expressed interest, but knowing how many of these never come to fruition, I learned to not even get excited.  I would just say, "let me know when the baby arrives and they are signing the papers."  We had a sister of a coworker, friends of friends, a phone call with a birthmother the day she gave birth swearing we were the ones and less than 24 hours later a family member had taken her and we never heard from anyone again.  We had one that wanted us to come to the doctor's visits and be a part of everything, but we had just lost our first baby and I had reason to suspect she wasn't all that sure about this decision, so a few months after saying we would wait until later in the process, we never heard anything else again (I'm pretty sure she kept that baby).  We had friends with more distant connections to a birthmother....oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone was absolutely sure we were getting that baby....well, I'd have a little extra spending cash.  So, I suppose it's not just the baby we lost and the five we didn't get to take home for different reasons--there are more babies out there who taught us lessons and were a part of this process.  At least a dozen, and if I stopped and really thought about it, probably more.  Patience is a virtue, right?  I still try to be optimistic, but sometimes it's hard to not get annoyed when someone is so sure that a baby is coming to us and just can't understand why we aren't thrilled.  They will continue to insist it will happen and want us to get excited.  Believe me, when it happens, no body will be more excited than I will be, but I can't live on the edge of those emotions 24/7, so I hope you will understand if I temper my excitement until the baby is in my arms and the papers are signed.  And then I can afford to break down and cry with happiness.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I also decided not to take a baby that a birth mother wanted to place with us. Like you shared, it was a difficult decision but we just did not feel right about it. The adoption was private and we thanked her but declined and we encouraged her to go through LDS Family Services.

    We decided that if that baby was to come to us, it would be through that agency as she did decide to go there. We did not get that baby. I remember a distinct feeling that there was a special one for us and there was - a cute, adorable redhead! We were definitely guided in our decisions.

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  2. Thanks so much for your comment! It is so hard to turn one down, and you just feel like you're being to picky or that you aren't grateful to finally have a child. I couldn't understand why we didn't feel right about that little 18-month old girl. It was so low risk and seemed so perfect for us, and it was Christmas Eve, and I thought that would make for a great story! :) But, you just have to go with the one that feels right. And then I couldn't understand why we felt so good about the brother and sister, and it fell through--so confusing! But, I just tell myself there were reasons for all of it, and ultimately we had to go with the one that felt 100% right to both of us. I believe we were guided, too. So happy you got your little baby! It is such an amazing experience when it finally does happen. If you can handle the ups and downs and twists and turns, it is so worth it. Thanks again for sharing!

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  3. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Susan. Up until a few years ago, I always felt like how could I ever say no to the first call. But now I completely understand the why there may be times that the child is not a right fit or that it may not always work out.

    About two years ago we got a call from a friend that a mother who had an 18 month old twin boy and girl was going to just abandon her child because she couldn't handle them anymore but she was willing to consider adopting them out. After many calls and speaking with the mother she agreed to let us adopted the twins. My husband and I had prayed and felt good about it. I fly up to the state that they lived in to stay there until the adoption process was completed. When the plane landed I called the mother to let her know I was in and that I would stop by that night to get the paperwork started and she informed me that while I was on the plane she had changed her mind and her sister, who refused to take the twins before, would now being adopting the twins. What can you say to that? Even though I was devastated I told her she had to do what she felt was right for her children and let her know that if she changed her mind I would be in town for the weekend. I never heard from the mother again.

    Even though I know I am going to be so excited when we get the call, I hope to be more cautious this time around.

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    1. Thanks for sharing what I'm sure is just a small part of your story! One of the things I didn't put in this post (and am thinking about editing it to add it in) is these offers we get. Your story reminded me of the many times we were told about a baby we would probably/most likely/definitely get. I learned to temper my enthusiasm pretty quickly. I call it being "cautiously optimistic". I know people mean well, and I don't want anyone to think I don't still want the chance, but by the time you are in the adoption process, your chain has been yanked so many times that it's hard not to be emotional about it. We were really close on one, and a very similar thing happened as in your story, except that it was local, so we didn't have the added disappointment of having jumped on the plane with the expectation you weren't coming home alone. That must have just been devastating. People think sometimes that your level of disappointment is a direct correlation to how long you've known the baby. And I suppose there is some truth to that, as I'm sure it would be the absolute worst thing ever to lose Dylan now. But, even just the expectation that you were going to bring home a baby (or two!) is enough to leave a huge hole. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I can't post the specific details of our story that was like yours because I'm afraid local friends will recognize the situation, but it was VERY similar, even to the point of never hearing from the birth mom again after she promised us we were the ones. I know people change their minds, but it would be nice to be kept in the loop a little more on such a major event. But, like you said on the Facebook post, and I know it is so trite, but it just isn't your baby. I don't know why we have to experience that crazy ups and downs, but getting the one that is yours does certainly wash so much of that pain away. It's not forgotten, but it feels like a memory in a lot of ways. Seventeen years of pain and only 2 1/2 years with a child, but it just so outweighs it. Please keep us posted! You should write about your experience! I would love to read it!!

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  4. It's interesting how we're guided to finding the right children for our families. We have had a total of 10 foster children but many more calls we said "no" to. There were times when it felt right to say "yes" & sometimes in those yes moments, the child still didn't make it to our home for whatever reason. But if I hadn't had those "yes" moments, I probably would've wondered why in the world I was saying no to so many children. I needed the yes's & God made sure they found their homes outside of mine. This is such a tough long emotional process. The greatest moments are when we get to say YES... and it works out that way. ;)

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    1. Mel, Sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I've been busy with other things, and am finally getting back to this. I totally agree. It's hard to explain to people why you turn down a child, but frankly, we can't take them all, and you have to go with the situation that feels right. Something just clicks and you know it's the right one. And you are so right--when you get to say "yes" then it finally makes more sense. Congrats on being foster parents! What an difficult but amazing journey that must be.

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  5. Are you foster parents? Are you "foster to adopt?" I ask because I work in Florida and we don't do this anymore. We now expect foster parents to work with birth parents toward reunification, and only after that fails do they discuss adoption.

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    1. Nikki, Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have been side-tracked with other things this Summer, but am getting back to the blog. Yes, we are foster to adopt, but in California, the number one priority is reunification. So, even if you are "foster to adopt" that means that you have to sign something saying that you understand that you will be participating in a reunification process, and only if that does not happen, will you be able to adopt that child. However, most kids are only place with "foster to adopt" parents if there is a strong likelihood that they will be adopted, based on the birth parents' past history. Otherwise, the kids are just placed in foster care pending reunification. About 80% of those placed in that situation, which is called "concurrent planning" here, wind up being adopted. However, with our first child that we lost back to his birth father, that wasn't the situation, because she had lied and said she didn't know who the father was, and actually picked us out as the adoptive parents. So, we were pretty blind-sided when we found out she did know who the birth-father was and that he wanted his baby back. The whole process ain't for the faint of heart!

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