tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post2177883836424797989..comments2023-04-06T03:51:35.256-07:00Comments on Adoption: The Five Children We Didn't Take HomeSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01751349186767943561noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-13717637370902159512012-08-26T23:15:59.170-07:002012-08-26T23:15:59.170-07:00Nikki, Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. ...Nikki, Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have been side-tracked with other things this Summer, but am getting back to the blog. Yes, we are foster to adopt, but in California, the number one priority is reunification. So, even if you are "foster to adopt" that means that you have to sign something saying that you understand that you will be participating in a reunification process, and only if that does not happen, will you be able to adopt that child. However, most kids are only place with "foster to adopt" parents if there is a strong likelihood that they will be adopted, based on the birth parents' past history. Otherwise, the kids are just placed in foster care pending reunification. About 80% of those placed in that situation, which is called "concurrent planning" here, wind up being adopted. However, with our first child that we lost back to his birth father, that wasn't the situation, because she had lied and said she didn't know who the father was, and actually picked us out as the adoptive parents. So, we were pretty blind-sided when we found out she did know who the birth-father was and that he wanted his baby back. The whole process ain't for the faint of heart!<br />Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01751349186767943561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-23335048776118038472012-08-26T23:10:54.728-07:002012-08-26T23:10:54.728-07:00Mel, Sorry it's taken me so long to respond! ...Mel, Sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I've been busy with other things, and am finally getting back to this. I totally agree. It's hard to explain to people why you turn down a child, but frankly, we can't take them all, and you have to go with the situation that feels right. Something just clicks and you know it's the right one. And you are so right--when you get to say "yes" then it finally makes more sense. Congrats on being foster parents! What an difficult but amazing journey that must be.Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01751349186767943561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-83110666056981380772012-06-27T22:18:51.795-07:002012-06-27T22:18:51.795-07:00Are you foster parents? Are you "foster to a...Are you foster parents? Are you "foster to adopt?" I ask because I work in Florida and we don't do this anymore. We now expect foster parents to work with birth parents toward reunification, and only after that fails do they discuss adoption.Nikkihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09373196314064246658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-89300030002369988952012-02-10T14:59:29.646-08:002012-02-10T14:59:29.646-08:00It's interesting how we're guided to findi...It's interesting how we're guided to finding the right children for our families. We have had a total of 10 foster children but many more calls we said "no" to. There were times when it felt right to say "yes" & sometimes in those yes moments, the child still didn't make it to our home for whatever reason. But if I hadn't had those "yes" moments, I probably would've wondered why in the world I was saying no to so many children. I needed the yes's & God made sure they found their homes outside of mine. This is such a tough long emotional process. The greatest moments are when we get to say YES... and it works out that way. ;)Melhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08439602247044723505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-20771456742837223522012-02-10T13:51:53.306-08:002012-02-10T13:51:53.306-08:00Thanks for sharing what I'm sure is just a sma...Thanks for sharing what I'm sure is just a small part of your story! One of the things I didn't put in this post (and am thinking about editing it to add it in) is these offers we get. Your story reminded me of the many times we were told about a baby we would probably/most likely/definitely get. I learned to temper my enthusiasm pretty quickly. I call it being "cautiously optimistic". I know people mean well, and I don't want anyone to think I don't still want the chance, but by the time you are in the adoption process, your chain has been yanked so many times that it's hard not to be emotional about it. We were really close on one, and a very similar thing happened as in your story, except that it was local, so we didn't have the added disappointment of having jumped on the plane with the expectation you weren't coming home alone. That must have just been devastating. People think sometimes that your level of disappointment is a direct correlation to how long you've known the baby. And I suppose there is some truth to that, as I'm sure it would be the absolute worst thing ever to lose Dylan now. But, even just the expectation that you were going to bring home a baby (or two!) is enough to leave a huge hole. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I can't post the specific details of our story that was like yours because I'm afraid local friends will recognize the situation, but it was VERY similar, even to the point of never hearing from the birth mom again after she promised us we were the ones. I know people change their minds, but it would be nice to be kept in the loop a little more on such a major event. But, like you said on the Facebook post, and I know it is so trite, but it just isn't your baby. I don't know why we have to experience that crazy ups and downs, but getting the one that is yours does certainly wash so much of that pain away. It's not forgotten, but it feels like a memory in a lot of ways. Seventeen years of pain and only 2 1/2 years with a child, but it just so outweighs it. Please keep us posted! You should write about your experience! I would love to read it!!Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01751349186767943561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-7193402647669269402012-02-10T09:21:12.542-08:002012-02-10T09:21:12.542-08:00Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Susan....Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Susan. Up until a few years ago, I always felt like how could I ever say no to the first call. But now I completely understand the why there may be times that the child is not a right fit or that it may not always work out. <br /><br />About two years ago we got a call from a friend that a mother who had an 18 month old twin boy and girl was going to just abandon her child because she couldn't handle them anymore but she was willing to consider adopting them out. After many calls and speaking with the mother she agreed to let us adopted the twins. My husband and I had prayed and felt good about it. I fly up to the state that they lived in to stay there until the adoption process was completed. When the plane landed I called the mother to let her know I was in and that I would stop by that night to get the paperwork started and she informed me that while I was on the plane she had changed her mind and her sister, who refused to take the twins before, would now being adopting the twins. What can you say to that? Even though I was devastated I told her she had to do what she felt was right for her children and let her know that if she changed her mind I would be in town for the weekend. I never heard from the mother again.<br /><br />Even though I know I am going to be so excited when we get the call, I hope to be more cautious this time around.Kristina and Roberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03668423076804924031noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-4358259419468892012-02-09T21:52:52.293-08:002012-02-09T21:52:52.293-08:00Thanks so much for your comment! It is so hard to...Thanks so much for your comment! It is so hard to turn one down, and you just feel like you're being to picky or that you aren't grateful to finally have a child. I couldn't understand why we didn't feel right about that little 18-month old girl. It was so low risk and seemed so perfect for us, and it was Christmas Eve, and I thought that would make for a great story! :) But, you just have to go with the one that feels right. And then I couldn't understand why we felt so good about the brother and sister, and it fell through--so confusing! But, I just tell myself there were reasons for all of it, and ultimately we had to go with the one that felt 100% right to both of us. I believe we were guided, too. So happy you got your little baby! It is such an amazing experience when it finally does happen. If you can handle the ups and downs and twists and turns, it is so worth it. Thanks again for sharing!Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01751349186767943561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2921276013954669726.post-3826234425219216122012-02-09T20:00:11.420-08:002012-02-09T20:00:11.420-08:00Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I also...Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I also decided not to take a baby that a birth mother wanted to place with us. Like you shared, it was a difficult decision but we just did not feel right about it. The adoption was private and we thanked her but declined and we encouraged her to go through LDS Family Services. <br /><br />We decided that if that baby was to come to us, it would be through that agency as she did decide to go there. We did not get that baby. I remember a distinct feeling that there was a special one for us and there was - a cute, adorable redhead! We were definitely guided in our decisions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com