Please Teach Your Biological Kids About Adoption.

My friend and fellow adoptive mother, Heidi, recently shared an article about why it is important that your child be taught about adoption. (Teach Your Children About Adoption Before Releasing Them on the Playground by Rachel Quinn Egan)  Not my adopted child.  Your biological child.  The artical tells of an experience where the author's young daughter was bombarded with questions on a playground regarding her adoption:  "Is that your mom? (Pointing at me) Why is she white and you are brown? Are you adopted? Where is your real mom? Why isn't she here? Where is she? Why didn't she want you? You didn't come out of that mom's tummy over there, but your sister did. Right?"  

It made me realize that my six year old is well educated in what adoption is and how he came into our family.  But your child most likely has no understanding of it, and it maybe be much more important for him or her to understand than you or I might have considered.

Surprisingly, as someone who started researching adoption ten years ago and has experienced so many of it's facets, this is something I had never really thought about.  My child has not experienced the same thing (yet) as the girls in this article .  And it often is the case that we don't think to champion a cause until we have been touched by it.  But my eyes have been opened, and I am now championing this cause in hopes of preventing an incident like this from happening to my sweet boys.


So, in honor of November being National Adoption Month and even more so in honor of my boys and other adoptive families and birth parents.  I'm asking all of parents of children of any age, so begin in some way to also include a little adoption education when you are discussing other issues, such as differences in race, beliefs, familial makeup, gender, etc.  Do you ever wonder what to say?  Or perhaps what not to say?  Here are a few of my thoughts of points to consider (many of which are covered in the article mentioned above).  Not all of these will be appropriate to share with a child, so choose wisely and age appropriately and always out of love for all children.

1.  Adoption is normal.  It might not be as common as a biological family, but it is normal.

2. "Real" is not a word we use to describe biological or adoptive parents.  I am my son's mother.  Period.  He also has a birth mother, or his first mommy as we refer to her.  She is also real and she was also a mother to him.

3. Children are not given up for adoption because they are not wanted.  In most cases, there are circumstances preventing a birth parent from being able to keep a child.  It could be anything from mental illness, to financial problems, to drugs, to age and a number of other reasons.  We must educate our children to not think a parent (mother or father) gave a child up because they did not want the baby.  Yes, there may be rare instances where that is the case, although I still say the reason they do not want to keep the baby are based somewhere other than desire.

4.  The reasons for #3 are personal and private and nobody's business.  It has no bearing on the value of my child as a beautiful, loved son or daughter.  If I or my child chooses to share the reasons at some point, then I hope you will listen with an open heart.  Otherwise, we need to educate our children that they may not understand all the reasons, and that's okay.  What matters is that they were able to be matched up with parents of love them.

5.  There is always some degree of loss.  A child adopted at birth still experiences sadness at some point in his or her life.  There is still loss.  Some process and cope with it better than others.  But most likely, every adopted child will experience some degree of loss, and that is perfectly normal.  And they also will always feel a love for their birth family, and that is perfectly normal and it is a very good thing.

6.  Adoption shouldn't be a secret we whisper about behind closed doors.  Secrets imply something is wrong, and there is nothing wrong with it.  If your child asks you a question about adoption in front of my child, please answer truthfully, cheerfully and with love and compassion, just as you would if they asked you "what's wrong with that man?" in front of a man in a wheelchair.  Or "why is his skin so dark?" in front of a woman of color.  Don't whisper as if there is shame.  You can say "yes, D is adopted and isn't that wonderful?  Do you have any questions about what that means?"  Or maybe "D, can you explain what adoption is?" Because my child can, and he's not ashamed of it.  It's all he knows.

7.  Please, oh please do not tell my child, or yours, that my child should be grateful we adopted him.  First of all, he's not grateful yet because he doesn't realize he should be.  And he doesn't realize that life could have been worse for him.  And second of all, I will always need to be more grateful that I was given these sweet boys than they ever need to be for me.  It is not a requirement for him to recognize every minute of his life that he was rescued and should be indebted to us for that.  That may not really be the case.  And I can promise you there were many many people in line for these sweet babies.  I wasn't his last resort.  Please just let him be a kid who can be frustrated with his parents like every other kid out there.  He doesn't need to bow in gratitude for a decision in which he had no choice.

8.  And please, oh please, do not tell me how wonderful I am for taking him in, especially in front of him!  I'm not his saviour.  I am his mother.

9.  Adopted children often have different physical features than their adoptive parents.  We don't face this as much in our family, but remember that those traits did come from someone...from other parents.  And we celebrate them and love them.  And there are many biological families, especially those of mixed race, in which there are differences in skin tones and eye color and sizes.  It's part of what makes us unique.  It's not a flaw or a shameful characteristic.  It's unique.  I have one black haired, brown-eyed son and one blue-eyed blondie.  I always say D's eyes are the color of chocolate and S's eyes or the color of the sky (both things I love).  And when D sadly says I have black hair and none of my friends have black hair I always get excited and say "isn't that amazing??  Your hair is so special and not many people have hair as black as yours."  And truly, it is beautiful hair.

10.  Please, please remember that we don't discuss adoption every day.  We talk about school and funny things that happened and Wild Kratts and the planets and how to make homemade clay.  We don't NOT talk about adoption, but it's not an every day topic, just as you don't discuss your child's birth every day.  How often do you remind your child he or she was conceived by you and your spouse and show them footage of the birth?  It's part of their story for sure, but it just doesn't generally come up at the dinner table.  So while education on the subject is so important for all of us, remember that we are a normal family, just like you.  We aren't always "and adoptive family" or an "adopted son".  We are just a family.  He is just my son.  It's not derogatory to say those things.  It's just not necessary to clarify all the time.  It's just who we are.  It would be like saying "my African-American friend" or "my friend in the wheelchair".  Yes, those may be accurate descriptions, but they aren't necessary because those aren't the reasons you are friends.  They are side notes.  Minor details.  They aren't shameful side notes or details, just not pertinent in most cases.

Remember that adoption is part of this thing we call diversity.  When discussing diversity, please include this large segment of our population. I will be forever grateful if my child is understood and accepted "as is" than made to feel like he was unloved and unwanted and rescued.  Perhaps the questions are just curious, but they still hurt.  And when a child is bombarded with the questions  on a playground or at school or wherever he or she may be, it can be a truly traumatic experience.  And my child should really just be like your child, living his or her normal, but always special, and hopefully still magical childhood.

The Cost of Adoption

from our most recent invoice

We got an invoice from our adoption lawyer in the mail recently (see picture).  As you can see, we were charged for "receipt of family pictures; save to file".  Now, it does say "$25 no charge" an I'm not sure if that's what it's referring to, as we still incurred a charge on this bill.  But, remind me
not to send them cute pictures of our family any more!  They request them from time to time to stay current on our family, but I didn't realize we were getting charged for them to "save to file".  But, I am not complaining.  This lawyer has been great, and I know it's just the way it works these days.  But, it made me think about what it costs to adopt.  What it costs to give a home to a child who would otherwise not have one.  What it costs to provide a home for a child that would otherwise become a ward of the state and cost us, as a people, in tax money (and in so many other ways) to support.  Foster children have a much, much higher risk of needing social programs throughout their lives.  Did you know that 70% of people in prison in California were foster children at one point?  They are at much higher risk for needing all kinds of public assistance.  And I don't mean just as foster kids.  I mean way beyond into adulthood.  So, it just seems like it would help the whole situation if the whole adoption process was much less costly.  I have friends who became legal guardians to THEIR OWN grandchildren after their daughter passed away from cancer, and they had to do paperwork and pay $900!  I mean, it's a drop in the bucket compared to a regular adoption, but still ridiculous!

When I sat down to write about this, I thought about ALL the costs of adoption.  When all is done, S's adoption will wind up costing us about $10,000.  That includes social workers, a home study through the county (that costs $4500 alone!), lawyers, travel expenses back and forth to the hospital and little things here and there that nobody thinks about.  And $10,000 is getting off easy.  Most adoptions will cost much, much more, especially if you adopt internationally.  And there's the cost of the craziness it brings, the stress between spouses as you try to decide if this baby is for you, or if the situation is too risky and might result in a failed adoption, or the cost of the major life change it brings about, often with hardly any notice.  There is the cost of adding another child to your family and wondering how it's going to affect the child you already have.  There is the cost of having a child with a history and a family that you now need to figure out how to mesh with yours.  There is the cost of knowing that your child will always have a desire to know about his or her past and will most likely want some contact in some form with the birth parents or birth family, if possible.  There is the cost of your young child asking you why his parents didn't want him, or why they don't want to see him, or why was she so sick that she couldn't take care of me (because at four, we have chosen the word "sick" to describe her drug condition....we will tell him the truth later when he is able to understand what drugs are). There is the cost of those teenage years, when most adopted children go through a heightened identity crisis.  And I'm sure there are costs I don't even know about right now.

So, with so many costs, why adopt?  It's just like anything else you save up and pay a lot of money for.  Because it's absolutely worth it.  A new car, a European vacation, a new home....all those things have a cost attached, but what you get from it is so worth it.  Don't think I am comparing a child to a car or a vacation.  It's an analogy.  The experience you get on that vacation will last a lifetime.  You will make memories.  You will take pictures.  You will see and taste and touch things you never could have before.  And it will make the stress of saving that money and pinching pennies a very distant memory.  All you will remember is how amazing it was.  And that's how adopting is.  Every single one of those costs will never be more important than every single amazing moment of having a child, or of being a mom.  And not that every moment of being a mom is amazing....but you will look back and remember the good.  When my son, out of the blue says "Mom, I love you" or "am I your sweet baby?" or "come snuggle with me" or "will you read this to me?" or "will you play monster trucks with me?", the costs we incurred adopting him will just not matter.  In fact, S's adoption isn't even final yet, and it already doesn't matter, because I love these boys more than life itself, and you can't put a price on that.

How Long Are We Parents?

My mother on the left, still a part of our family, parenting and
grand-parenting after all these years....and we are all far
past eighteen years old.

I had a conversation a few days ago with the man who was cutting my hair that has been on my mind.  I had never met him before, so we were talking a little bit about our lives, and the subject of adoption came up.  He commented about how he had considered adoption, but because of his age and circumstances, he thought a teenager would be best for him.  I told him there was a great need for people to adopt teenagers, as it becomes harder to place kids the older they get.  I was impressed to think he would be willing to take on the challenges that come with adopting children who have so much past history long before you arrive.   I was impressed until he said the following, “I’m thinking a sixteen-year-old would be best because then it’s only a two-year commitment.”  I was speechless.  He went on to explain that after they turned eighteen and left the house, then if they wanted to keep in touch, they could, but that there wouldn’t be as much time involved at that point.  I honestly didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t want to say what I really thought, as we were in the middle of a long overdue haircut, and I didn’t want it turning south because I had offended him.  Call me selfish, but I can’t afford a haircut very often!  But, I did want to say something, so I searched for a way to say something like “Never adopt!” in a much nicer way.  As I was contemplating my choice of words, it just got worse.  He said he figured that with older children there would be some kind of interview process where he could say “Hey, do you like dogs?  Because I have two and I need someone who likes dogs.” If they answered yes, they could move on to the next question, and if they said no, he could move on to the next kid.  A type of adoption speed-dating, if you will.

I don’t mean to criticize, because I do think that in his own way, he was trying to make it a good fit for the child, too.  But I think what he really needed to do was put out an ad for a roommate.  I think he wanted companionship and maybe to feel like he was helping, but not quite the full realm of parenthood.  I don’t even want to drag out my commentary on this, because I don’t want to be negative about someone when I don’t really know them.  He was a very nice man.  I just don’t think he has pondered much about what it means to be a dad.  There’s hardly a parent out there who thinks they will be finished when their child turns eighteen.  I want to delve into the world of adopting older children, but I think that is a separate post, so will gather my thoughts on that soon, because I do think it is an amazing thing to do.  And I think I will just leave this up to you to ponder, and be grateful if you have parents who have been in it for the long haul.  Call them up and tell them thank you.

Pick me, pick me! Like Middle School Sports All Over Again.

I had a little scare with my sweet little boy yesterday.  We had been swimming at a friend’s pool for a couple of hours.  D was tired and wanted to change into his dry clothes.  He was standing with his friend at the end of the pool throwing in beach balls and then fishing them out as they floated back to the edge of the pool.   I turned to talked to one of the moms and he fell in the deep end.  I just remember hearing silence where laughter and chatter had once been.   His friend’s father was standing right beside them and was getting ready to jump in after him fully clothed, having just arrived from work.  Thanks to a summer of swim lessons, D resurfaced after a second or two and though panicked, had not swallowed any water since he knew how to hold his breath.  I was getting ready to jump in when the father was able to grab his arm and fish him out.  D was so upset, but safe.  He didn’t even choke on any water at all.  I hugged him and told him what a good job he had done holding his breath and how he had been able to bring himself back to the surface of the water.  He sobbed for a minute, denying his success—“No, I not!”.  I reassured him that even though the father had pulled him out, that he had had a big hand in saving himself.  He suddenly stopped crying and said in a happy voice “I fine!”.  I thought about that all afternoon, and ran the “what ifs” through my head.  I wasn’t too shaken by it until I woke up around 1 a.m. just sick over the whole event.  D had crawled into bed with us, and instead of taking him back to his bed like normal, I left him there.  I lay beside him and watched him sleep peacefully.  I inspected his facial features and thought about how quickly he was growing into a little boy.  His chubby little cheeks have receded into a more angular face.  He has freckles on his lips his body is strong and more lean than before.  He is handsome and funny and a fun-loving handful of a child.  I love him so much.

I thought about how often we as parents make mistakes and beat ourselves up over what we think are bad decisions.  There are no handbooks for raising children, although I feel like those of us who adopt get more of one than most with all the classes we are required to take.  But, even so, it’s sink or swim for most of us, and every now in then, we have someone bail us out, too.  This experience made me think about this questionnaire we had to fill out to be in the birthparent profile pool.  The county has a waiting list, but they also have a pool of applicants from which birthparents can choose parents for their children if it is a voluntary relinquishment.  It’s a great opportunity, but can be a difficult thing to fill out.  You want to tell the truth, but you also want to be the fun, happy couple that will make someone choose you.  And all the high school popularity issues (or lack thereof as in my case…) coming flooding back!  You are allowed three pages to answer these questions and three pages of pictures you think will show who you are individually and as a couple.  I will spare you our answers, but thought you might like to see the list of questions.  It took awhile for us to fill this out, trying to judge between how much of the truth to share and how much we didn’t want to scare anyone off!  We just tried to look somewhat normal, moderately fun, not too weird, but not too mainstream, maybe a little edgy…..oh, who am I kidding!  It is what it is, right?  Sigh.  Maybe I should just put in the one about parenting, “at least he’s still alive!”  I mean, that’s a success in my book at the end of the day.

Here are the questions we were required to answer in hopes we'd be cool enough to be chosen...how would you answer?  Kind of interesting to take a look at yourself and your relationship a little more closely sometimes. 

Following information for both applicants:

• First Name:
• Year of Birth:
• Race & Ethnicity
• Physical Description: 
• Height:    
• Weight: 
• Hair color:   
• Eye Color
• Skin:
• Why we want to adopt:
• What is each of us like as person?
• Education level and field:
• Employment (prior and current)
• Employment and child care plans when the child comes:
• Religion (how active, how we will raise our children):
• Interests, hobbies, and sports (individually and shared):
• Reading (type):
• TV viewing (type and how much):
• Music (type):
• Describe your home (What makes it distinctively yours?):
• Describe your neighborhood (urban, rural, etc.):
• Do you have pets?  What kind?
• Marriage:
• How do husband and wife share/divide household responsibilities and chores?:
• How do you as a couple/family spend your time together (i.e. how do you spend a typical weekend?):
• Brief description of childhood (number of siblings, where you grew up, relationship with parents, significant memories/experiences/etc.?)  One paragraph:
• Briefly describe a difficult life experience you had and how you learned from it (one paragraph):
• Extended family (relationship between grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousings:  geographical locations of relatives; experiences and attitudes toward adoption:
• Experience with children:
• Children in home:  adopted/biological   description/personality/year of birth:
• How are, or will, child-care responsibilities be handled between husband and wife?:
• Thoughts about relationship with birth parents:  How do you feel about:
•  Meeting the birth parent(s) prior to, or at placement.
• Updating of pictures and letters about the child over the years.
• Receiving pictures and letters from birth parent(s) over the years.
• Supporting a search for birth parents.

My Mother-of-the-Year Award Awaits.

My little monkey.  He looks higher than he really
was...not that I need to explain or anything....

Let’s see.  I just got back from being gone from my three-year-old son for nine days.  I yelled at him this morning and confiscated his trains until this evening.  I thought I was being the cool mom when I let him climb a tree today, which he did better than the kids almost twice his age I might add….and then he fell out of said tree just seconds after snapping my awesome photo and sobbed for five minutes straight.  He asked “what the heck?!” to some kid at the park.  I’m pretty sure I checked my phone way too many times today, and I let him watch way too much TV this morning.  All in all, I’ve had one of those mother-of-the-year days.  I know that in the grand scheme of things, it could have been much worse.  I mean, he’s alive, right?  He is happy, and he thought it was really funny when I sang him to sleep with “We are Siamese if you please….we are Siamese if you don’t please…ba dunt dunt dunt…”  In fact, he was almost out and he smiled and only half opened his eyes and said “Again.”  Of course, I obliged.  I think we ended the day on a high note.

But, high note or not, these are the things I think about when the social workers are interviewing us about our parenting styles and how we react to conflict and how we discipline.  I think about it every time we are in a required class that has to do with the best way to parent a child (which is what most of classes are about).  I think about what could happen if someone saw me in a moment of anger and reported me to child protective services, and even though I’ve never done anything close to something that would be considered abuse, I worry that because we have an open home study and are waiting to adopt again, that any little misinterpreted action could be a problem.  How deeply would they investigate?  Would they take my sweet boy first and ask questions later?  I know they would only do that in an effort to protect him, but the thought makes me sick to my stomach.  These are the things you think about when under scrutiny. 

I know I’ve talked a lot about how invasive the whole adoption process is, and I don’t say that to scare anyone off.  I know it is designed to protect these kids who have already been through so much.  Logically, I know that this kind of scenario probably would never happen, but, I would be lying if I said we don’t live a little bit in fear of the scrutiny.  We’ve all passed judgment on someone else’s parenting choice, knowing full well we have no idea of the back story or full circumstances.  Fortunately, there usually isn’t much fallout from that criticism.  But what if someone took it a step further and called the police on us?  I know of a few cases in which police were called because a stranger didn’t like the way a parent handled something, even though there was no abuse that happened.  When you have an open file with the county and are visited and interviewed about your choices, there is always fear that something will look like more than it is.  There is the tendency to sugarcoat a little bit to make sure nothing sounds even remotely suspicious.  However, we have also had it drilled into us that it is better to tell the truth than to be caught in a lie.  If you have ever caught a friend or family member in a lie, you know that everything they have ever told you or will ever tell you is now viewed with an element of mistrust.  We have made it a point to be very upfront and honest, even if it meant having to sacrifice some privacy and a little pride.  I’ve even considered whether or not I should openly blog about my parenting mishaps for fear that it could be used against me at some point.  But, I can’t live life in fear….well, not too much fear.  Maybe just enough to keep me on my toes, but hopefully not enough to paralyze me.

So, yes, I will continue to let my little wild child climb trees, and most likely I will raise my voice at him again, although I’m trying to be more patient.  The reason I was gone for nine days was to help with my father's lung cancer surgery, and frankly, although it was hard being away from D, I think it's important that he knows he isn't the center of the universe and that grandpa needed me more right now.  I would bet money on him getting his trains confiscated at least a few more times during his childhood.  He is a stubborn little sucker!  I am reminded frequently that it can be a good trait if we can ever channel it properly.  I will try to teach him to say more polite phrases than “What the heck?!”, but since I know he parrots me, that may be a harder fix.  We have to embrace the extra scrutiny, because until we are finished with our family, it is just something we have to live with, and I know it is meant to protect children.  And, perhaps in some ways, it has made me look at my parenting occasionally as a third party, which I’m convinced is not a bad thing.  I think it’s good to take an outside point of view sometimes to see more objectively what things I could be improving.  Besides, a full investigation would just prove that we are normal, and we have bad days and good days, and we know we aren’t perfect, and that we love him to the moon and back, and isn’t that what they want for these kids anyway?

Maybe We All Need Parenting Classes (and other truths we don't want to admit)

I wonder how many parenting classes the average parent has had.  As I look at this picture, and think about the things this crazy child does, I wonder if maybe I need more!  I wonder how many parents are CPR/First Aid certified.  With all the frustrations and mounds of paperwork required for the great state of California to deem me an acceptable parent, I do think there are some good things that come out of it.  Every year, we are required to complete eight hours of classes that have something to do with parenting our hopefully soon-to-be-adopted child (we don’t have another one in our home yet, but have be current just in case we get the call).  If you include the first year of the process to get approved to adopt, that means we have attended at least 29 three-hour classes, not including the three we are due to attend this month, or the three-hour CPR/First Aid classes we have to attend every other year.  And even though we are only required to have eight hours each year, the classes are almost always three-hour classes, so that really makes nine hours each year.  The math=96 hours of parenting-related classes, not including the twelve hours we will attend this month, making the total at least 108 hours!  Okay….ENOUGH MATH!

So, what kind of classes?  Here is the list.  Many of these have multiple sessions, but even so, we have been required to take so many hours that we have had to repeat the classes over the years.  Keep in mind that these classes are for foster parents and adoptive parents, as in California, you have to be certified for both since technically you are foster parents until the adoption is final.

·         --Embracing Your Child’s Heritage (I did another blog post based on this class called “Am I Racist for Wanting a White Baby?”)

·        -- Risk Factors (which will “examine current information about inherited illnesses (including mental illnesses), congenital conditions (including cerebral palsy), and the risks and effects of prenatal drug exposure, alcohol and HIV.”)

·        -- Attachment Parenting (session is six three-hour classes designed to give tools and techniques to help children who have experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, etc., be able to form healthy relationships)

·         --Kinship Adoption (for those adopting an extended family member)

·         --Adoption after Infertility (required for those adopting because of failed fertility treatment….we had to take this one)

·         --Adoption the Lifelong Process (covers issues that arise over the life of an adopted child, including how to talk about their experience before and after adoption, how to talk about birthparents, exploring what it means to them to be adopted, etc.)

·         --The Placement Process (self-explanatory—all the nuts and bolts of the adoption process)

·         --Adult Adoptee Panel (one of my favorites—usually two to three people who were adopted as children and now share their stories, the challenges they faced and how they overcame and/or deal with issues that often arise in adopted children)

Those are the core classes that are repeated every year.  Then there are others that are taught from time to time.  Here are some of the ones I’ve seen recently:  Beyond Consequences (better ways to discipline children, especially those that have been affected by neglect and/or abuse and who don’t respond positively to traditional discipline methods;  Social Skills for Youth, Parenting the Hurt Child, Anger Issues, Shaken Baby Syndrome, etc., etc., not to mention classes about the particulars like how your adoption benefit works, applying for extra help with special needs children, plus the initial PRIDE classes which is the nine-class session everyone has to take when initially getting certified to Foster Parent/Adopt.  These classes go through so much information from the basics of the process, to many of the things that kids and parents in the system go through.   Double Whew!

My point in sharing this, is that at first, I felt a little frustrated.  I mean, you look around and you see so many people that you feel (and I know this is totally judgmental!) have absolutely no business being parents.  Often their pregnancies were unwanted, or they are on drugs and/or alcohol and continue to abuse those substances while pregnant, or they are living on the streets, or have no means of supporting a child, or even worse, of being able to actually have feelings of love and commitment to a child.  And yet, I, as a potential adoptive parent, have to jump through so many hoops and have people ask me very personal questions about past relationships and my job status, and look at my bank statement and ask how my childhood will affect my parenting.  I have to take a class about adopting after years of infertility treatment to make sure I’m in the right state of mind to have a child.  They question stupid decisions I made twenty years ago, checking carefully under my fingernails to make sure there is no dirt there.  It is really hard to not get self-righteous about how I can be a better parent than someone else.  And I say this as a person who does not look down on others for any of those reasons.  I do try to have compassion and know that I don’t know their circumstances and therefore have no right to judge.  But when we stand side by side, and they are allowed to keep their child and I have to do just the right dance to get mine, it’s hard not to start making comparisons.  That said, here is what I’ve learned from this, as I implement my silver-lining approach to life….maybe more of us need parenting classes.  We have to take classes to get certified for all kinds of things—driving a car, getting a degree, handling food as a waitress, learning to sew, becoming a Zumba instructor, and the list goes on.  And how many of those involve something as important as the 24/7 care of a human life?  I have a wonderful group of mom friends, and when we get together, do you know what the bulk of our conversations are about?  Yep….parenting.  How to be better.  How to help our children read and write and sleep better and not be brats and potty train and stop whining and be unselfish and share and grow to be wonderful, productive members of society who care for their fellowman.  Okay, maybe it’s not always worded like that, but that truly is the intent.  And yet, most of us only have a few years of experience.  Maybe it’s not such a bad idea for us to take a class on how to be better at the most important job we will ever have.  I have found that I have drawn many helpful truths out of the almost 100 hours I have spent in these classes, and am wondering if maybe, in all the frustration of going through “the system”—maybe they have this part right.  And maybe we can all take a step back and be more open to accepting help and seeking out answers from those who have gone before us and have tread that water.  Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel every minute of the day?  I’m grateful for this adoption experience for so many reasons, but one of the big reasons is that I have been forced to learn and to be more open.  I’m not cured, but I’m better for having lived it and for embracing what I have to do and seeing the great benefits, and I think letting my carefree child jump off big cement dolphins is maybe part of what makes me a good mom.