I wonder how many parenting classes the average parent has had. As I look at this picture, and think about the things this crazy child does, I wonder if maybe I need more! I wonder how many parents are CPR/First Aid
certified. With all the frustrations and
mounds of paperwork required for the great state of California to deem me an
acceptable parent, I do think there are some good things that come out of
it. Every year, we are required to
complete eight hours of classes that have something to do with parenting our
hopefully soon-to-be-adopted child (we don’t have another one in our home yet,
but have be current just in case we get the call). If you include the first year of the process
to get approved to adopt, that means we have attended at least 29 three-hour
classes, not including the three we are due to attend this month, or the
three-hour CPR/First Aid classes we have to attend every other year. And even though we are only required to have
eight hours each year, the classes are almost always three-hour classes, so
that really makes nine hours each year.
The math=96 hours of parenting-related classes, not including the twelve
hours we will attend this month, making the total at least 108 hours! Okay….ENOUGH MATH!
So, what kind of classes? Here
is the list. Many of these have multiple
sessions, but even so, we have been required to take so many hours that we have
had to repeat the classes over the years.
Keep in mind that these classes are for foster parents and adoptive
parents, as in California, you have to be certified for both since technically
you are foster parents until the adoption is final.
· --Embracing Your Child’s Heritage (I did another
blog post based on this class called “Am I Racist for Wanting a White Baby?”)
· -- Risk Factors (which will “examine current
information about inherited illnesses (including mental illnesses), congenital
conditions (including cerebral palsy), and the risks and effects of prenatal
drug exposure, alcohol and HIV.”)
· -- Attachment Parenting (session is six three-hour classes
designed to give tools and techniques to help children who have experienced
trauma, abuse, neglect, etc., be able to form healthy relationships)
· --Kinship Adoption (for those adopting an extended
family member)
· --Adoption after Infertility (required for those
adopting because of failed fertility treatment….we had to take this one)
· --Adoption the Lifelong Process (covers issues that
arise over the life of an adopted child, including how to talk about their
experience before and after adoption, how to talk about birthparents, exploring
what it means to them to be adopted, etc.)
· --The Placement Process (self-explanatory—all the
nuts and bolts of the adoption process)
· --Adult Adoptee Panel (one of my favorites—usually
two to three people who were adopted as children and now share their stories,
the challenges they faced and how they overcame and/or deal with issues that
often arise in adopted children)
Those are the core
classes that are repeated every year.
Then there are others that are taught from time to time. Here are some of the ones I’ve seen recently: Beyond Consequences (better ways to
discipline children, especially those that have been affected by neglect and/or
abuse and who don’t respond positively to traditional discipline methods; Social Skills for Youth, Parenting the Hurt
Child, Anger Issues, Shaken Baby Syndrome, etc., etc., not to mention classes
about the particulars like how your adoption benefit works, applying for extra
help with special needs children, plus the initial PRIDE classes which is the
nine-class session everyone has to take when initially getting certified to
Foster Parent/Adopt. These classes go
through so much information from the basics of the process, to many of the
things that kids and parents in the system go through. Double Whew!
My point in
sharing this, is that at first, I felt a little frustrated. I mean, you look around and you see so many
people that you feel (and I know this is totally judgmental!) have absolutely
no business being parents. Often their
pregnancies were unwanted, or they are on drugs and/or alcohol and continue to
abuse those substances while pregnant, or they are living on the streets, or
have no means of supporting a child, or even worse, of being able to actually
have feelings of love and commitment to a child. And yet, I, as a potential adoptive parent,
have to jump through so many hoops and have people ask me very personal
questions about past relationships and my job status, and look at my bank
statement and ask how my childhood will affect my parenting. I have to take a class about adopting after
years of infertility treatment to make sure I’m in the right state of mind to
have a child. They question stupid
decisions I made twenty years ago, checking carefully under my fingernails to
make sure there is no dirt there. It is
really hard to not get self-righteous about how I can be a better parent than
someone else. And I say this as a person
who does not look down on others for any of those reasons. I do try to have compassion and know that I
don’t know their circumstances and therefore have no right to judge. But when we stand side by side, and they are
allowed to keep their child and I have to do just the right dance to get mine,
it’s hard not to start making comparisons.
That said, here is what I’ve learned from this, as I implement my
silver-lining approach to life….maybe more of us need parenting classes. We have to take classes to get certified for
all kinds of things—driving a car, getting a degree, handling food as a
waitress, learning to sew, becoming a Zumba instructor, and the list goes
on. And how many of those involve
something as important as the 24/7 care of a human life? I have a wonderful group of mom friends, and
when we get together, do you know what the bulk of our conversations are about? Yep….parenting. How to be better. How to help our children read and write and sleep
better and not be brats and potty train and stop whining and be unselfish and
share and grow to be wonderful, productive members of society who care for
their fellowman. Okay, maybe it’s not
always worded like that, but that truly is the intent. And yet, most of us only have a few years of
experience. Maybe it’s not such a bad
idea for us to take a class on how to be better at the most important job we
will ever have. I have found that I have
drawn many helpful truths out of the almost 100 hours I have spent in these
classes, and am wondering if maybe, in all the frustration of going through “the
system”—maybe they have this part right.
And maybe we can all take a step back and be more open to accepting help
and seeking out answers from those who have gone before us and have tread that
water. Why are we trying to reinvent the
wheel every minute of the day? I’m
grateful for this adoption experience for so many reasons, but one of the big
reasons is that I have been forced to learn and to be more open. I’m not cured, but I’m better for having
lived it and for embracing what I have to do and seeing the great benefits, and I think letting my carefree child jump off big cement dolphins is maybe part of what makes me a good mom.
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