I was reminded again this week that my insecurities are still a much bigger part of me than I had hoped they would be in my forties. I won’t go into the sordid details, because frankly, they’re not THAT sordid, and most would say, just get over it! But, here is my point as it actually pertains to adoption. I have realized that there are benefits to not having a biological connection to my child.
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| My handsome D. |
First, let me let you in on a little secret. I have self-esteem issues. Yes.
It’s true. And those of you who
know me really well are not at all surprised by this declaration.
Those of you who know me on a little more superficial basis are probably
somewhat surprised. Exhibit A. The title of this blog. As I went back to research it a little more,
I realized that the phrase comes from a novel entitled “Fear and Loathing in
Vegas.” I would, of course, be the one
to add in the “self” part. I have had
that phrase stuck in my head for a long time, “Fear and Self-Loathing” and it’s
not even correct! But, I’m digressing a
bit.
Here’s the thing. I
have realized that because I have some unaddressed issues that keep me from
feeling as confident and self-assured as I would like to feel, I have a really
hard time feeling that confidence about anything I do, whether it’s artwork or
writing or anything I have had a hand in creating.
Like children. But, I’ve
realized, that since I didn’t have a hand in creating these children, that I
find they are exempt from this. I used
to pine away over not being able to get pregnant. But, I’ve realized that maybe that was one of the
greatest blessings. Not just for me, but
for them, too. They will never have to
suffer me coming down on them because they represent something I never
was. To me, they are even more beautiful
and more amazing partly because they came from somebody else. I feel perfectly justified in bragging about
them and in telling them, or others, how handsome they are, because there is no part of me
that feels they are beautiful because they carry any of my genes. I am removed from them in a good way. They will never carry my baggage. I will never feel to cut short a compliment
because, in some roundabout way, I might feel I am bragging about myself. Or worse, YOU might feel that I am bragging
about myself.
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| My beautiful S. |
Maybe this is all just a little twisted. And yes, I’m sure I need therapy. And I am not saying that others withhold because of these reasons. I am speaking to me and my case alone. Contrary to what this might portray, I
am a silver lining kind of a girl. And
this is one of the unexpected silver linings to adoption. I love these boys partly because they are NOT
a part of my gene pool. I shower them
with compliments. I tell others (probably
to an annoying, nauseating degree) how beautiful these boys are. How amazing and talented they are. How funny and smart and thoughtful they
are. How athletic and
bound-for-the-Olympics they are. And,
even though I know some of that comes from how they are parented, I truly
believe that a lot of it came with them when they were born. I love these boys more than I thought I would
be capable of. And maybe, when I truly
feel that love for myself more, I will be capable of even greater love for
them, too. I hope to get there someday. But for now, I know I am released from any
boundaries that would inhibit feeling and expressing my love for them, because
they are released from representing any part of me that I don’t love. And that is a great thing.
P.S. PLEASE don’t see
this as a call for compliments and reassurances that I am just so
wonderful. It won’t change me. I have to be the one to change myself, and I
am truly working on it. It only makes me
think you don’t know me so well! :)
(photos by the amazingly talented www.ashleykressinphotography.com)
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