Monday, March 26, 2012

Obviously, We All Feel Differently About Adoption--Another Person's Thoughts on My Thoughts

I was wondering what to write about next, when I was "blessed" with a fairly scathing e-mail today sent to my Etsy account, which is where I have my adoption artwork up for sale (www.etsy.com/shop/studioscumble).  (I am including the e-mail below for your thoughts (of course I will keep her name confidential)).  I have been contemplating how to respond to her, but I think I have decided to be short and sweet for a few reasons.  First, an heated exchange via e-mail is not what I think is most beneficial.  Second, I feel if the wording had been a little less aggressive--a little less of a personal attack, then I would feel much more comfortable explaining my reasonings behind each of her concerns.  But as written, I have decided that there is no need to justify any of these things to her.  I am very open about our adoption process (and most things in my life) and I rarely, if ever, get offended by any comments that come from a sincere desire to know what I was thinking or why I made a choice, even if you whole-heartedly disagree with me. I understand that everyone's experiences are different, and everyone's feelings are different.  I wish she understood that, too.  Here are her words in italics. 

Hi there, I joined Etsy just so I could write to you. I really like your illustrations and your heartfelt desire to write a book and create illustrations expressing all the complexity of your feelings, but I feel a real urgency to plead with you not to share these with your child (or any adopted child for that matter). The child does not need to feel that "pain" and "grief" are a part of his or her coming into the world. They do not need to know that you "suffered" (presumably with fertility issues, making him or her a "second" choice), He or she does not need to think that you are "saving" him or her or that he or she is "saving" them! Gosh, that whole "saving" thing is a huge burden for a child! Even the term "gave me up" for adoption is a phrase no social worker or any worker in the field of adoption would encourage you to use. ("made an adoption plan" is much more positive). The one that really got to me, and the one I came across on Pinterest and actually gasped out loud was the one about "choices both good and BAD" brought us here! Why would you tell your child that? Your child does not need the burden of "bad" things brought them into the world. They certainly don't need to hear their birthmother disparaged (presumably she's the one who made "bad" choices!). Sheesh, this is all adoption 101. Have you not had your adoption education/home study yet? You need to talk to an adoption specialist about the appropriate language to use, and the ideas that you plant in your child's mind and heart by the way you talk about the way your family was formed. Save your fertility grief to discuss with your partner, a counsellor or other adults in your life. Your child does not need to carry the burden of your grief, nor does she need to think that he or she was a second choice. Your child does not need to know that you "mourned great loss" before he or she came along. This i! s all ut terly inappropriate for a child. Any child. (Incidentally, why do you refer to the child as "he"?) Your feelings are all perfectly legitimate, but they are totally inappropriate, even deeply harmful, for your child. Where is the joy? Where is the happiness? Where is the celebration of your forming a family? THIS is what your child needs to hear. They do not need to carry the burden of your griefs.

Now, I don't agree with everything I read about adoption, but then there are so many types of adoptions--so many combinations of kids and new parents and levels of pain and joy that no one poem or thought is going to encompass them all.  The one thing I will refute here that I felt was an over-riding theme in her words, was the idea that we should not share the negative things about our children's adoption stories with them.  I think kids, age-appropriately, need to know the good, the bad and the ugly.  I believe by the time they are in their late teens (again, appropriate to their age and personal development) that there should be no secrets, and they should know their whole story.  Anyone that has had secrets kept from them or been lied to, knows that dealing with the facts is much easier than dealing with lies or half-truths.  It may be hard at first, but if handled with love and compassion, it allows that child to understand, cope with it, and move forward much more easily than if they ever feel betrayed by us, the parents who are supposed to love them the most.  As always, I welcome any comments, either publicly here on this blog, or through a private message.

10 comments:

  1. I agree with you. I didn't adopt my son, but I am a single mom because of good and bad choices that were made. I keep a journal specifically for my son. I started it before he was born. It's a book written directly to him as if he were a peer. I tell him how I am feeling about being a single mom. What I feel about his father and why. I also write about his development and personality and his life from my perspective. I do not intend to share all the ugly truths with him while he is young, but I will NOT keep secrets from him about why his father isn't around and the financial, physical and emotional stress/pain I deal with because of having him.

    Your child, adopted or not, is your child. And with having them comes choices and stresses and fear and peace and joy. I feel, as a parent, it would be terrible to paint the world and our journey through it as something positive 100% of the time. Real life is hard, choices are some times really hard. I don't want my child to one day turn around and look at me and ask me why I never told him how hard my journey was in preparing him for the realities of his own life.

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    1. Amy,
      Thanks for your thoughts. I plan on writing another post and clarifying what I mean by being open with our kids, and sharing everything, even the negative. I completely agree that we can't paint things as 100% postive. And I don't mean we have to share every negative thing, and maybe "negative" is the wrong word. All I mean is that they need to know the truth. I would never just bad-mouth the birth parents--that's not the intention. I mean, I have made plenty of choices that I'm not proud of, and many of those I probably will not share with Dylan. But there are some I will, if and when it's appropriate. I don't want to hang anything over his head, as she implied in her e-mail, but I trust that he will be a smart, capable man, and that he will eventually be able to see through any lies or half-truths, and that he will trust me to be honest with him. He deserves to know everything, when he can handle it. I would want to know, and I guess that's what I keep thinking about. I would want to know my story. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. I agree with you also. Chris went through being adopted and his father declining parental rights at one point, but we kept all the "bad" or painful info from him as much as possible until he was old enough to ask with understanding. For him, it was around eleven years old when I opened up the conversation a bit more with him. However, that being said I also have only told him some highlights of the hard parts always emphasizing the good. I think it is a huge decision and one only you and your husband can make about when or how to discuss things. I have noticed from Chris now that he is a bit older he doesn't want to hear any bad comments about his biological father as he is reforming a relationship with him. I am careful about what I say even now, but I am sure there will be a time when he is an adult and wants more detail or information. Or maybe not. It is an amazing power we have as parents to shape the story of our children's lives. All of this being said,the woman who wrote this email doesn't see all the beautiful family photos and posts you put up all the time. I think the most important thing you can tell him is that you love him and that trumps all the rest.
    Also, as a side note, going to the temple and discussing that with Chris also helped him feel more connected with his siblings. You are doing a great job from what I can tell and most of your artwork really speaks of love more than anything I think.

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    1. Thanks for your comments! I know every situation is different, and I think you have to pay attention to what your child needs at that moment. I said this in a reply to another comment, but I plan on clarifying what I meant about knowing the good and the bad. I certainly don't plan on making bad comments about Dylan's birth parents. I will share the good as much as I can. But, I think it's important to know his whole story when he's ready for it. I have so many decisions that I've made that I'm not proud of, and if I died, I certainly wouldn't want John sharing all those things with Dylan. However, it's also good for our kids to know we are flawed, and that we can still be good people even with those flaws. It's good to know that they can overcome bad choices, too, and I think that confidence comes from seeing that other people have overcome their flaws and/or bad decisions. Openness doesn't mean ramming it down their throats. I think it means more that it's available to them when they want it and will always be given to them in the most loving, compassionate way, with whatever help needed to process that information. I just don't think it's good for them to have some fairytale idea of what that parent was like. I mean they don't get that idea of us, either! It's just reality, and I think they are better able to cope with their loss when they have the pieces to the puzzle. Thanks again for sharing! I love when people comment and share their story.

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  3. I'm a big advocate for using positive language when discussing adoption (with adults as well as children), but this lady needs to figure out how to use appropriate language when addressing other people. She's coming off as quite a hypocrite!
    Using positive language does NOT mean that we hide, brush aside, or gloss over the difficult aspects of life. It is important for children to understand that it is okay to have a wide range of feelings, otherwise they may feel ashamed or not know how to cope when they are struggling with difficult feelings that are completely natural.
    Being honest with children about "the way their family was formed" will give them a realistic perspective and expectations.

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    1. I totally agree. I think me using the word "negative" maybe isn't the best choice. I will revisit that when I put up my next post about transparency in adoption. I'm not sure what the right term is. Maybe just talk about telling the full story. I don't want people to think I would ever bash or be mean or rude in discussing Dylan's birth parents with him. But I do think he needs to know the whole story, and some of it isn't pretty. I think secrets are what make the kids feel ashamed. It think anytime a secret is kept from us, it makes us feel like we did something wrong, or that we weren't capable of handling the truth. I need to word that better in the follow-up post. Thanks for your thoughts! I always love reading comments from others who have actually been through the process.

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  4. Susan,

    I understand what this lady is trying to say in her email but I don’t agree with her. With love and compassion I feel that a child can be told the whole adoption story without having to put a negative spin on things, facts are facts, of course timing and age are major factors but those are personal for your relationship with your child and you will know when the timing is right to tell D certain things.

    My husband was adopted by his father when he was 4 years old and still today, 26 years later, his mother refuses to tell him who his biological father is because she wants to shield him from who his biological father was/is. I have seen and know how this has adversely affected my husband and I don’t feel any child should have to go through that, no matter how hurtful the information could be, the child just wants to know the truth.

    I love all of your art work; it has truly been inspirational to me. Eventually, I plan on purchasing a couple pieces to hang in my future child’s bedroom. Thank you for being so open with your feelings and your adoption process; it has helped someone like me, who has a hard time expressing my feelings on these subjects, not feel alone. I look forward to your future art work and post.

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    1. Kristina, I can't imagine how that must be for your husband! I would be so frustrated and want to know the details. I agree about not having to put a negative spin on it. I'm going to revisit the use of the word "negative" when I'm writing about sharing all the details of a child's adoption story. I don't want anyone to think that I would just talk badly about Dylan's birthparents to him, or anyone. But, I do want him to know all the details when he's ready for them. Thanks for your support! I hope you guys are picking your way through the adoption process again! We didn't get D until I was 38 and John was 47, so there is hope!! :)

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  5. http://adoptionpi.blogspot.com/
    No secrets is my philosophy. I think in general secrets hurt worse then the truth however, I would make exceptions for that rule. If my son was the product of something "unspeakable" I don't think I would speak it.

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  6. I have been an adoption specialist for 6 years. I definitely understand what this person is saying. I would add that being untruthful is also wrong, however, it's best to share things that are age appropriate. Adoption includes great joy and great sadness, much like life in general. I think the person's point is to make sure you do not burden your child with messages they are not mature enough to understand.

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