It
occurred to me that maybe I should explain the subtitle of this blog, “Inspired
by the process, the children and the lessons learned.” I think it’s mostly self-explanatory, but I
wanted to share with you why I used "children" as a plural form, and not just
"child", beings we only have one child. If
you read my post about our first adoption that failed, then you might think it’s
just referring to these two special children.
But there are more children that have been a part of this process, and
that I often think about and wonder how they are doing.
If
you haven’t been through the adoption process (and especially through social
services) you may think that the process goes something like this: You finish your application and then one day,
you get a call telling you to come get your baby. You go get your baby and go home to your new
life. I’m sure that does happen with
some adoptions, but through social services, it can be quite different. You might be surprised to know that we
actually turned down five different children before we accepted D. Often, I think people assume that we are so
desperate for a child, that when the call comes in, we jump. And maybe losing our little Isaac affected
that spontaneity a little bit, as he was the first placement call we ever had,
and we did jump at the chance to take him home.
But after being burned, the next calls that came in required a lot more
thought and reasoning as to what would be right for us. It is hard to jump in when you know the
reality is that you might not get to keep this child. But to keep a long story a little shorter, I
want to tell you about the five sweet children that came before D. (I have left out their names here for privacy—you
never know who might know them!).
1.
Almost a year to the day of losing little Isaac, we got a call about a baby boy
who had been removed from his home and was being put into a concurrent planning
adoption. I wanted him so much. I had really wanted a baby boy to fill the
void of losing Isaac. But, something the
social worker said scared us. His mother
had almost lost his older sister to adoption because of her drug use and her
unwillingness to comply with what the county was requiring. And then, at the last possible time, she
pulled it together and got her girl back.
And even though that girl was no longer in her mother’s care (her
grandmother had guardianship) the county judged each case individually, and she
would have the same opportunity with this little boy. Our social worker said something like “I just
want to warn you that we think this adoption will go through, but this mother
might be slow out of the gate and then pull it together at the last minute.” “Slow out of the gate.” That has stuck with me to this day. There wasn’t even a question. John and I said no, knowing we could just not
handle another rollercoaster ride like we had before.
2. Just a couple of weeks later, we got a call
about an 18 month old little girl. It
was the morning of Christmas Eve 2008 when we went in for the telling (the
telling is where you meet with the social workers and they tell you everything
they know about the child, and then you decide if you want to move forward). On paper, this looked like a perfect match,
and I still can’t tell you why we didn’t take her. The parents’ rights had been terminated. It was zero risk. But, it didn’t feel right. John and I looked at each other and just both
knew it wasn’t the child for us. It was
a shock for me, as I had so desperately wanted a child, and had hoped one would
have already come in the year after we lost Isaac. But, she wasn’t ours. We knew she belonged in to someone else.
3. In March, I was in L.A. working on a project,
when right in the middle of it, with the worst timing possible, came the call
for a safe surrender baby girl. She had
been dropped off at the hospital and we could pick her up the next day from the
hospital. I wanted her so badly! I called John and we had several
conversations over the course of the next few hours. We had to make a decision fast, as she was an
emergency placement. Ann gave us until
the next morning. I tried my hardest to
talk John into it, but he wouldn’t have it.
In hindsight, I can understand and sympathize, but I was so upset at the
time. And I was a few hours away, so we
couldn’t discuss it face to face (which might have been a blessing!). He just felt it was too risky. In California, safe surrender moms get a
bracelet with their baby’s information on it, and they have a window of time to
come back and change their minds. And
even if the paperwork gets filed to terminate the rights, I’ve been told that
until it’s all final, that they have a good chance of being able to get that
baby back. And with an unknown father,
who might become aware of his baby being born in the near future, there were
just too many risks for John. I made him
call Ann and tell her we weren’t taking her.
I was too heartbroken to make the call.
We worked through it, but it was one of the bigger arguments we’d had in
a while.
4.
& 5. The last two kids were a
sibling group we were offered the same month D was born, unbeknownst to
us. It was May, and we got the call
about a 1 ½ year old little girl and her 2 ½ year old brother. I was really excited at the opportunity for
two! I mean, let’s just get on with
building our family already! Oddly
enough, even with the risks, John and I were both immediately on board and
excited. They had been in the system for
a year after being removed from their home because of domestic issues, and
their accessibility to drugs. The father
was in prison, and I don’t remember what was going on with the mother. We did the telling and saw their sweet little
pictures. We were given the weekend to
decide, and one of the things you are required to do before deciding to move
forward is talk to the child’s (or childrens’) foster mom so you are fully
aware of their current state and any difficulties they may be having. Well, to condense the story, the foster mom
told us she didn’t think the children’s grandparents were aware they would be
going up for adoption and that there might be a problem there. So, we addressed this issue with the social
worker, who in turn did some research and found out that there was some
planning in place by family members to place these kids with a friend, should
they ever be placed for adoption. It was
a big mess, so we pulled out until it was all sorted out. They told us that if they came back up for
adoption after everything was sorted out, that we would be the first couple
they called, but for now, we were back on the list again. We were pretty sad about it. I was really excited to welcome two kids
home, even though I knew it would be a challenge, to say the least. But it wasn’t meant to be.
About
six weeks later, at the beginning of July, we got THE call—the one that would ultimately
give us our sweet little boy. Seven
children later (including our little Isaac) we finally got to keep one—the one
meant for us. I do believe that
everything happens for a reason, and even though we didn’t take these five
kids, I know even having the chance to think about them and their circumstances
blessed our lives in some way. I still
think about all six of those sweet, innocent children, all caught in some kind
of craziness that never was their fault.
I wonder what their lives are like today, and wish the best for
them. I hope we don’t have to wait
through six more children before we get the next one, but if we do, I know we’ll
learn great lessons from them, too.
****ADDENDUM*** This addition to this post was inspired by Kristina's comment below. One of the things that comes with being open about adopting is the regular "offers" to take a baby. Sometimes it's a birthmother's well-meaning friend or family member, or someone that just hears about a situation, but I'm not sure I can even remember how many times someone contacted us about taking a baby and it fell through every time. I know it's a difficult decision for birthmothers, but it is also difficult being on the other end thinking you are going to get a baby, and then suddenly the rug is ripped out from under you at the last minute. I learned quickly to be cautiously optimistic. I always expressed interest, but knowing how many of these never come to fruition, I learned to not even get excited. I would just say, "let me know when the baby arrives and they are signing the papers." We had a sister of a coworker, friends of friends, a phone call with a birthmother the day she gave birth swearing we were the ones and less than 24 hours later a family member had taken her and we never heard from anyone again. We had one that wanted us to come to the doctor's visits and be a part of everything, but we had just lost our first baby and I had reason to suspect she wasn't all that sure about this decision, so a few months after saying we would wait until later in the process, we never heard anything else again (I'm pretty sure she kept that baby). We had friends with more distant connections to a birthmother....oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone was absolutely sure we were getting that baby....well, I'd have a little extra spending cash. So, I suppose it's not just the baby we lost and the five we didn't get to take home for different reasons--there are more babies out there who taught us lessons and were a part of this process. At least a dozen, and if I stopped and really thought about it, probably more. Patience is a virtue, right? I still try to be optimistic, but sometimes it's hard to not get annoyed when someone is so sure that a baby is coming to us and just can't understand why we aren't thrilled. They will continue to insist it will happen and want us to get excited. Believe me, when it happens, no body will be more excited than I will be, but I can't live on the edge of those emotions 24/7, so I hope you will understand if I temper my excitement until the baby is in my arms and the papers are signed. And then I can afford to break down and cry with happiness.
