Would you design your child if you could?



I would never have thought to pick out his
specific looks and personality....so I'm
glad you get what you get.

There has been some controversy in the last several years over medical technology that could allow for “designer babies”—babies whose parents may at some point have the ability to choose all aspects of their physical bodies.  If this ever comes to full fruition, and is available to the masses, I wonder how many people will actually take advantage of it.  On one hand, I can understand a woman who has had four girls and desperately wants to have a son using that technology.  I can understand parents who want to avoid having a child with a physical defect or debilitating disease or a genetic disorder.  I understand the desire to have some control in different aspects of our lives.  But on the other hand, I wonder if we have fully considered the ramifications of a Bruce Almighty-esque power in which we, with our short-sighted mortal eyes, forget to consider the long-term effects, dare I say blessings, of coping with, and learning from experiences we might not have chosen.  I know girls that grew up going to church with a down syndrome girl, and I wonder if they would now, as adults, be as caring and compassionate towards those with disabilities (or anyone for that matter) if they had not grown up with her.

Front of the San Diego County Adoptions
application form.

The last thing we had to do before we got back on the list to adopt was to fill out a form, stating what we would and would not accept in a child.  It is an overwhelming task to sit down and check off boxes and fill in blanks making choices about a child that you would not have to, or get to make if you were birthing a child yourself.  I’ve included the front and back of these forms here.  (I've erased our answers, as I feel our choices are personal.)



Back of the San Diego County Adoptions
application form.

On one hand, you want to be open to all children who need parents.  On the other hand, you have a current life to consider.  What is your lifestyle?  Are you physically active?  Do you like to travel a lot?  Do you have the financial security to aid in dealing with a special needs child?  Even though there is a lot of assistance from the county, it won’t cover all the expenses.  Do you have the needs of other children in the home to consider?  After you sort through your own life, then there is the list of medical/behavioral/developmental issues to face.  You answer yes or no, and then are allowed to make notes in the comment section—“mild” or “functioning well” or some other disclaimer to your yes or no answer.  And then there are the list of substances to which this child might have been exposed.  What substance is acceptable?  And what degree of exposure?  And background issues, like if a birth parent had a mental illness or if there had been abuse of any kind.  And how open are you to continuing contact with the birth parents?  Birth grand-parents? Siblings?  And finally, your social worker makes a little note about you, assessing your needs, desires and any other information that will help them to make a good match.  Whew!  

One thing to note is that the county is required to note every little possibility about that child.  For example, if that newborn experiences one seizure, which could have been brought on by a premature delivery or drug exposure, they are required to make a check in the Epilepsy box in their file, noting that they could possibly be epileptic.  Or if they were drooling more than normal, a possible Cerebral Palsy note might be made.  Any little thing has to be recorded in the interest of full disclosure, which I totally understand.  But you can see how that might cause that child, who might actually be perfectly healthy, to be delayed in being placed because there are too many red flags.  Unfortunately, people do return kids during the adoption process, and sometimes, after it’s over, so full disclosure must be made to try to minimize these occurances.

The interesting dichotomy is this.  After we went over all of this in a class once, and we all pondered on what our choices might be and how a birthparent’s mental health might affect our child down the road, the teacher asked this question.  “If I was to tell you a newborn baby had just been safely surrendered at the hospital, how many of you would take him/her?”  Every hand in the room went up.  And yet, with that child, we knew absolutely nothing about their medical or family or drug exposure history.  At least with a child that comes with a large file of information, we have a large file of information.  With that safe surrender child, we don’t even have a name.  And yet, after picking through all the possibilities and being very particular about each aspect of what we would and wouldn't take, we all jumped at the chance to take a newborn without one shred of information.  Maybe it's not fear of the unknown.  Maybe fear of the known is worse.

A common sight--D getting air!
He's teaching me to be fearless.
(A recent photo of him at Sea World)

When I look at my sweet little boy, with his jet black hair, and beautiful skin, and his strong, stocky little body that never seems to wear out, and his funny sense of humor, and his obsession with all things transportation, I know that I’m looking at the tip of the iceberg.  Ninety percent of his life is not showing yet.  I don’t know if he will die tomorrow.   I don’t know if he will get childhood cancer, or have gross motor delays or sustain brain damage when he is twelve and never speak again, or become paralyzed in a bike accident at eight and never walk again.  I don’t know if he will become addicted to drugs as a teenager, or be diagnosed with bipolar disorder or wind up homeless or wind up in prison.  I’m hoping for the best.  I’m doing all I can to protect him and teach him right from wrong and leave no doubt in his mind that I love him, but there are no guarantees.  But, if any of those things happens, will I regret it?  Or will I send him back?  Would you ask that of a biological mother?  Of course not.  I say if you are faced with those choices, make the best, most educated ones you can, and then never look back.  Never, ever look back.

(As always, I love feedback/thoughts!  If you want to read more, check out the list to the right of the most popular posts, including ethnicity in adoption and things not to say to someone who is in the process of adopting.)