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| My boys. Challenging and amazing. |
This first is some version of "you are so great to
adopt these children!" And when I respond something like "oh,
well we are really blessed to have them," I usually get some form of
"well there are so many kids out there that need good homes, and you are
so great to take in these kids and give them a good life." Does
anyone else see what is wrong with this? I'm forty-two years old.
The first time I went on fertility medication, I was twenty-one. My
oldest child is four and a half. I know you can do the math. Let's
just say I spent many, many years trying to have a child. Praying,
begging, crying, pleading with God to let me have that blessing. I am not
a savior. I didn't go into it with some altruistic goal of saving some
poor child out there. I didn't set out to save anyone, except maybe
myself. Not only is it uncomfortable to be spoken to as if I had done
some great unselfish act for the sole purpose of being unselfish, it's almost
offensive. I am a girl who grew up wanting to have a family. I am
not a charitable organization. And it's even worse when this kind of
comment is made in front of my child. He is not the receiver of a
charitable act for which he needs to consistently show gratitude. He is a
child. He is my child. He has a mom, just like your children do.
And he doesn't need to be reminded how lucky he is that someone took pity
on him and was kind enough to give him a pillow on which to lay his little
orphaned head. He needs to be reminded that he is loved, like any other
child in any other family. And his childhood should be just about
that--childhood.
The other comment I get tired of hearing is, oddly enough,
on the other end of the spectrum. If I am having a difficult day with one
of my kids, for whatever reason---maybe one is being a pill, or one is fussy
because of teething, or one is sick, or one is just not sleeping much and I'm
exhausted--I don't need to be reminded that this is what I asked for so I need
to be more grateful. Or as someone stated just the other day, "yes,
but this is what you signed up for." Yes. You are right. This
is what I prayed, begged, cried and plead for. I am well aware of that.
I don't need your gentle reminder. But, you need to understand that
I deal with the same parenting issues that everyone else does. I have
hard days. I get tired. I get frustrated. I seek out help
with issues my children are having. And, I need your love and support,
especially if you have walked the path of parenthood before me. Believe
me, I am completely grateful to be dealing with these issues, because it means
I have children. It means I am a mom. It means I am enjoying this
long-awaited dream. I know this. So please just take it as an
unspoken fact that I am more grateful than you will ever know. I love
being a mom more than you could possibly comprehend, unless you also had to
fight seventeen years before you were blessed with a child. And I love
these boys more than I ever thought possible.
Like most moms, I ride somewhere in the middle between
Saviourhood and depression. I rarely get close to either extreme. I
ride in the middle, recognizing that even on the most difficult days, life is
still so beautiful. And the best days don't come because I was just so
overly righteous that day. They come and go just like they do for every
other mom out there trying to do her best. They ebb and flow mostly near
the middle of the river between perfection and disaster, rarely nearing either
shore. And I'm okay with that. In fact, it is what I consider a
successful day.
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