There is one thing about adoption that people don’t tell you
about. You know, when you go through
this process you are split open and put on display. Every element of your life is picked over and
analyzed. And you attend all these
classes and role play all these scenarios and learn how to handle all these
different issues, or at the very least, you know what resources are available
to you when those issues arise. But do you know what they don’t prepare you
for? What happens when your life falls apart.
When families split up, there is so much heartache and sadness and grief
and pain. But when you have an adoptive
family, there are added layers of people you are disappointing. It’s not just
both of your families and extended families that are affected. No. You know
have immediate and extended families in addition to your families, and that’s per
adopted child. We welcomed open adoption because it’s what’s best for most
children and biological parents. And we
have been blessed to have relationships with these family members that have
been appropriate and wonderful and supportive. But I’ve had a harder time
thinking about having to tell them what’s going on than I have my parents and
siblings.
Think about it. This
biological parents of my children gave up their babies because they thought
they could not provide the kind of life that they needed. And despite the fact that both of my boys
would have been taken away because of drug dependency, both of these mothers
could have made the choice to keep them in the system to give themselves time
to get their lives back in order and get them back. But, they didn’t. Both moms, seeing their own situation more
clearly and realistically, made the choice to give these baby boys to someone
else in hopes for a better life for them.
They saw their own frustrations and sadness and living conditions and
felt their very own babies would be better off with another mother. They put
trust in the system, knowing we had been interviewed and researched and
educated about adoption and babies and what the needs of these sweet babies
would be. And they made that
sacrifice. And in both cases, their families
were supportive of them and us. They
thanked us for taking these babies, and they were relieved to meet us and find
that we were loving and kind and so excited to have these babies. They brought gifts and have stayed in
touch. They have answered medical
questions and celebrated birthdays and holidays with us. And they have thanked us. Often.
And now, things have happened. And we are struggling and we
are separating. And a good part of the tears I’ve shed and the fears that haunt
me are how I’ve disappointed these hopeful, beautiful families. Seven extra parents
(counting parents of other half-siblings), at least eight extra
grandparents, aunts, cousins and six other siblings either biological or
through adoption. And I feel like the
list goes on. All these people that
thought we were the better option. And to feel like I wasn't. Like I failed them. Like somewhere they were deceived into thinking I could do better and not have problems. And I wonder if they will regret their choice. It can crush you.
I’m not looking for pity or for anyone (please, oh please
don’t do it….) to tell me how awesome I am.
But, I’ve always been very frank in my blog and with my kids and with
anyone who wants to know anything about adoption and infertility and all the
other issues that go with it. So, I can’t
sugarcoat this now. It is one of the
hardest parts of this separation. I know lots of families go through this and worse. I will dig in and be strong and try to help
my kids in the best way that I can. I’ve made some big mistakes and we will all
pay a certain price for it. But, as I sat in a parent teach conference this
week sheepishly explaining to the teacher what was going on so she could be
aware of added stresses on my sweet boy, she said “he just adores you”. And, I
really, really needed to hear that. We’ve been through quite a bit the last
couple of years and I have been more pained at the effect of the conflict on
these innocent boys more than anything else.
I’m not sure I cared as much about anything else she said than
that. Despite it all, I hope my boys will
know how much I love them. And, I hope
those who put their faith in me so deeply as to give me these little humans to
raise and to love will continue to trust me to care for them and help them
through all the pains of life. I still
don’t regret adopting them. I don’t regret the journey one bit. We move forward. Always moving forward as a family, whatever
that may look like. And please don't call us a broken family. We are not broken. We have just been rearranged. And we will make it.
