We attended a class tonight, and one of the activities really hit
home. Actually, several of them did, but
this is the one I’m writing about tonight.
When we adopt a child, we often think about the great life we want to
give them. And, in particular if we
adopt a child out of foster care or out of an orphanage in a foreign country,
the focus can often be on how much better their life will be with us than where
they have been. But we forget that the
best day of our lives—the day that child comes to live with us, is the worst
day of his or her life. It is the day
that everything changes for them.
Familiar people, sights, smells, textures, languages that are spoken in
the home or city, pets, friends, and the list goes on. In an effort to give this child a fresh
start, sometimes we are too quick to sweep away the things we think are part of
the problem, and replace them with the things we think are part of the
solution. And we throw the baby out with
the bathwater.
So here is how the activity went tonight. We had to write down on five cards the names
of five attachments we have to important people in our lives. I just picked the first five that came to
mind. My parents, my husband, my son and
my sister. (I really encourage you to do
this activity as you read this. The
impact is so much greater than just reading about it.) Then we partnered with someone and the
instructor told us that sadly we were going to lose one of those relationships.
We had to hold up our cards with the names facing us, and let them blindly
choose a relationship to go away. The
first to go was my Dad. She asked how
that felt, and I said “painful” and I meant it.
My Dad has had a heart attack and two rounds of cancer in the last five
years, and so I had already contemplated the fact that losing him might be a
reality sooner than I thought. It
brought up those feelings again. Then she
said that now we were going to lose two of them, and she blindly pulled my
sister and my husband. I was standing
there holding D and my Mom in my hand, and I can honestly say, I was
starting to panic a little. The thought
of losing all three of those relationships was not softened by still having my
son and my mother. Then, she said we had
to lose one more and she pulled D out of my hand. My sweet boy that I have waited so long for
was gone in a blink. By now, my heart
was really feeling physical pain at the thought of that loss. She asked if anyone in the room had been left
with the one relationship they would have picked of the five. Nobody raised their hand. That is hard for me to say, because I don’t
want to think one relationship is above the other, or that I love one more than
the other. But the fact is, my husband
would be the toughest one to lose. He is
my partner and his loss would affect every single aspect of my life in a much
greater way than anyone else. He is my
son’s father. He is the main
breadwinner. He is my daily support and
best friend and the person I lean on the most.
The loss of my husband would have a much more devastating affect than any
other one, even though I would mourn greatly for those losses, too. Then, they picked five of us to come to the
front of the room. John and I were both
chosen. And they said that we now had to
lose the last one, but they were going to give us something great in
return. The first lady’s new card said “My
own room”. I was next. They took away my Mom and gave me “Lots of
Toys”. Lots of toys. That was my trade for my mother. They took D away from John and gave him “a
pool”. The next two people got “big
beautiful home” and “dance lessons” in exchange for their cherished
relationship. It was a powerful
moment. The instructor made the trades
with such excitement in her voice….something like “that is so cool that you are
going to have lots of new toys!” But how
could that ever be a replacement for my mother?
And yet, that’s how we see it for these kids. You may argue that their mother is a drug
addict or abusive or something else. But
the fact is, that person is this child’s mother and he or she will always,
always love her and want a relationship with her, and a pool, or a bunch of
toys will never replace her, or heal a broken-hearted little child.
One of the other great things that was said tonight is that so much of
this grieving and healing process is not to fix the problem. The loss of these relationships is not a
fixable problem. The process is about
learning to adjust. A light bulb went on
inside my head. All the things that have
impacted my life in a negative way cannot be fixed. I have to adjust, not resolve. I have to learn where to file that memory,
not shred it. It can’t be thrown
away. It can’t be shredded or
burned. It is a part of me. What a relief. That really was the conclusion I came
to. What a relief to know that I can
heal without having to forget. I can let
go of the need to wipe out certain things and embrace just learning how to put
that thing in its place and move forward.
Healing doesn’t mean we were never wounded. It means our body has healed, and even if it
still bears a scar, it’s not the focus of our life anymore. It has been treated and healed as completely
as possible, and now we get up and get on with it.
I stood there holding my “lots of toys” card thinking how superficial
and so totally unimportant that was to me, and how it didn’t even hold a candle
to having my mother. I felt a rush of
empathy and compassion for these kids who lose everything that is the most
important to them. I felt worse for the
kids whose adoptive parents think they are the solution and that starting over
and severing ties was the best thing for them.
I hope they are not threatened by their child’s love for these people
left behind. Someone once said that love
isn’t a pie, where if I get a slice, that’s one less slice for someone
else. Love is just love and you can give
it all away, and still have all of it.
It’s magic that way. That child
can love all of you, so don’t make them choose.
Be a part of the healing process and let them know that they are free to
love anyone they choose for as long as they want. You might find that letting go and just
loving these children will allow the love to bounce back and find you again, and
it will bless your life an hundred-fold.
